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Vartanetc.
November 6, 2000
Ally McBeal "Two's a Crowd" Transcript
Many, many thanks to Lori from Vartanetc!
Transcripts are from the closed captions (thanks A!). There are some inaccuracies and omissions of who is speaking. "Jonathan's" speaking parts are in bold.
It all started with his smile, and I've heard it said when you trace the origin of trouble, more times than not it can lead to a smile.
Okay, well, I need you to, uh... Sign there...
We wing the "It's" on a settlement.
The case was over, and he seemed so happy which is unusual for a lawyer if not illegal.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
You have a smile that seems to embrace life. Now, either you never married or you beat cancer.
Uh, well, I did marry, but she died.
Oh.
Of cancer.
I am so sorry.
No, that's all right but I will accept the compliment on my smile.
How do you do it? Really.
Do what?
Smile like that. So... Genuine, so... Like everything's going to be okay.
Well, I close my eyes... And I say to myself aloud, but in a very low voice "everything's going to be okay."
I'm not. I wanted some of what he had inside him, and then it just happened.
Would you like to get dinner?
Sure.
I accepted my very first date with an old person.
They say that after breaking body a woman will date anybody. They also say that men can pick up on that.
Sorry.
That's okay.
D-do you want to catch a movie?
I'm in my 30s-- it's no big deal, really going out with a guy in his 50s. What was so disconcerting was getting that little intuitive pang inside that says it could be something serious that inner voice that screams out... "Buy a new dress."
How could she cause the breakup? Because I followed her advice.
I did everything she told me to only to have my husband walk out on me for good.
Nelle-- this is Wanda picket. She's the one suing the doctor.
Oh, doctor, yeah.
I doubt she's even a r that woman has no business giving advice on how to save marriages.
Whoa-whoa-whoa.
You took this seminar.
More like a workshop, really. "How to satisfy your man." She has them every month. She's starting a new one tomorrow. I have half a mind to go down there and tell her students what a fraud she is.
Okay, and based on this doctor's advice...I did what she said. My husband dumped me
What was her advice?
Well, basically, that the woman should make sacrifices. We should be submissive, you know, like Baptists and when he comes home from work we should greet him at the door with slippers, a three-course meal and fellatio. Fellatio. Ha! You know what my husband said to me? He said getting oral sex from me was like walking on a high wire.
Are you sure he didn't leave you just for being unattractive?
It was the putrid advice I got from that guru. I want to sue her.
Hmm.
Ally, how long have you known me? Seven, eight years?
Uh... Duh-duh-duh... About.
And in that time have you ever known me to be morally conflicted?
Never. What's your crisis, richard?
Well, uh... Mark. I like Mark, as I'm sure you do. I want him to be happy. He-he's dating a-a woman that... She's got so many nice qualities but one of them is a-a penis. Ally? Are you there?
Did you just say that she has a penis?
Uh, yes. Th-that's not my-my problem. Well, it's certainly his but my conflict is should I tell him? See, I-I learned through a privileged communication and even though privilege runs to the other lawyers in this firm she forbade me from telling him and yet, Ally, he's falling in love with her. I mean, I can, I can see it. Don't-don't I have some duty? Shouldn't I slip him a note? "Mayday"-- something?
The woman Mark is dating has a penis?
Yes.
It's not right.
Ordinarily, one would think Mark Albert would win the contest for having the biggest problem, even though he has yet to discover... It but these aren't ordinary times.
Here you go.
Um... There must be some mistake.
This is your table, sir.
It's always as soon as you meet one man, they all come out. Look at this guy. He's perfect.
You have another table?
And I'm on a date so I can't have him.
We have a table in the back.
This way, please.
Sorry to disturb you.
It's okay.
Thing about dating somebody older. Young, beautiful things get dangled in front of you all day.
Ally.
( Chuckling ) I'm sorry I'm late.
It's okay.
I was in court in front of judge sachem who actually threatened us with contempt if we didn't complete our pre-trial memos. It's an environment pro bono case, and it's killing me.
The environment is your client?
Funny.
It is a nonprofit organization. I'm a softy for clean air.
I've been so wanting to meet a guy where everything's not about money...
Could we have a bottle of crystal, please?
And who's got plenty of it. The truth is, the conversation struggled for a while. We both loved movies, but different ones. We both were afraid of George Bush, but different ones.
It wasn't until the end of the dinner that we truly connected on one common interest, one thing we were both rather passionate about the one thing that can truly alter life. Disco.
For a single guy in the '70s disco was the way to meet women. For a little girl in her preteens the outfits made for the best Halloween costumes.
Elaine, can I steal you a second? It's important.
Okay.
And, uh, we're suing this guru for causing the breakup. It sounds like a tough case to me.
Yeah, it is.
It so happens she's starting another one of these workshops tomorrow.
I want you to enroll.
What?
We've got to get at what this seminar is like-- the things she teaches.
Why don't you enroll?
Elaine, if I showed up saying it was hard for me to hold onto a man don't you think she'd be a tad suspicious? Let me put it another way. I'm the attorney. I can't also be a potential witness. Look, all you have to do is go and listen and take notes. Please.
All right.
Thank you.
Who's that old thing with Ally?
It started with disco, but as the night went on we could suddenly talk about everything. I really started to believe that a 30-year-old woman has more in common with a 50-year-old man the own age. Of course, it still seemed like hard bodies were now everywhere, though it was probably my imagination.
I only started dating a year ago.
After nine years of being single?
The kids have only been out of the house for five. Plus, do you know how terrifying dating can be?
Uh, no. Tell me about it.
Not to mention painful.
When you're younger, at the end of the day you have all this energy. When you get older, and tired...Well, older...
You know, has its advantages if you ask me.
Younger guys, they, um... They only want one thing.
You know what?
As a man who used to be younger I take offense to that.
Oh.
You know, I just keep thinking about your smile. I don't know why a smile should fascinate me. Maybe be I don't remember how to.
Well, you know, most lawyers hate what they do, Ally and people generally feel what they do is what they are. It naturally follows that they end up hating themselves. Now, I get up in the morning I watch what I eat, and I watch what I do.
I should have known I was in for something unexpected.
You're such a great guy. I just want you to know that. You seem scared. Apprehensive, maybe. I've just had some relationships end abruptly.
I'm not going anywhere.
Promise?
I promise.
Richard...
It's not right.
You will keep your mouth quiet.
Aren't you afraid of giving him a heart attack?
He is in good shape, Renee. Mid-50s is not that old.
Who are you kidding? He's a fossil.
I like older men. It's not until their peter peters that you can actually have a conversation. He's not fat, is he?
Elaine: I had an old guy have a heart attack on me in bed once. It was awful. I just thought I was really good. Who knew he was dying? Can you imagine dying that way? Naked, your thingy all out and messy? Yuck.
He's in good health and I haven't even kissed him, by the way. I think that these slumber parties have cheered me up enough.
We don't need to have them once a week.
I have to get going anyway. My classes start today. "How to satisfy a man." Oh, by the way enrollees can bring guests so you might as well come.
What is this?
It's for a case. Some alleged doctor is teaching a course on how to keep a man happy.
How about "how to keep a man, period"?
Speak for yourself.
That's right. You have your Richard. Tell me, ling what's your secret?
I have my secrets, thank you very much.
Oh, please.
I do.
Oh, well, then tell us, Ling. Please give us poor, poor girls some help.
Well, there are no general rules which is why I have a problem with this doctor-seminar thing. Every trick is man-specific. With Richard, well, you... I'm not going to tell you.
Oh, come on. Just tell us.
All right, between us. It never leaves this room.
Okay.
I take a little adhesive I tape hundred-dollar bills to my privates wear them all day long. Nighttime, I get I'm beautiful, naked, smell like money. Drives him wild.
Oh, wow.
Mark, hey, how's it going?
Fine.
Great. So, you and Cindy things going okay there?
Richard, why are you taking such a keen interest in my relationship with Cindy?
Well, Mark, to be completely honest which I'm not comfortable being Cindy...
You want her for yourself?
Richard, are you okay?
I'm fine. Fine, fine, fine. No, it's just the thought of something wrong going down the windpipe. The thing is I feel you met Cindy as a result of me, and, well, as cupid you know, it was my arrow that kind of... Mark, Cindy-- she has an arrow.
What are you talking about?
Excuse me.
Have you given any more thought ?
I don't think you should tell him.
What? Ally, he's falling in love with her.
Maybe he'll be open-minded about it.
Guys can be a lot more accepting than you know when it comes to women they love.
Have you ever known one to accept a penis?
Richard....
( Knocking ) John, John, I need your input.
Richard! No, no, no.
Up till now I've been asking women. I want to consult with a man. John, this is an absolute secret. You cannot repeat it but I need your advice because this came close to keeping me awake last night.
Richard!
No. Cindy-- you've seen her, right?
Quite fetching.
Well, Cindy has a secret which I know and Mark doesn't. The issue is do I tell?
Is it material?
Extremely. She has a penis.
Ally: I think all men are homophobes. The bigots consider gayness a disease the more enlightened ones don't only because they're afraid of catching it.
Sorry.
( Laughs ) no, no, it was my fault. I was, I was...You were the one at my table last night.
Oh, oh... That was your table?
There was a mix-up.
Are you eating there again?
Uh, no. No, no, no. I'm, I'm, I'm going to go upstairs to an office.
Well, it's nice to see you again.
You, too.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, but I kind of believe in fate and, well, the combination of fate and no wedding ring on your finger... Would you like to get dinner?
I don't juggle. It's what I despise most about dating.
I'd love to.
I'm Jonathan.
Ally... McBeal. I work at Cage and Fish so you can call me there.
A lawyer, great.
You have something against lawyers?
Uh, everything. I am one.
Ah. Well, maybe we can spend dinner overcoming negative first impressions.
Yeah.
I was pretending to listen to Michael while I was really thinking about Jonathan. I have this really weird habit. Whenever I think about sex, I use my napkin a lot. Maybe because it's messy.I wasn't any less interested in Michael, to be honest. I liked both of them. Out talking about something I should be smiling about. Men try to be funny on dates so every minute and a half I just take a shot and laugh a little.
I can still smell Jonathan.
...She said good-bye to the family and she passed away.
That's cute.
The thing about men they start life nursing from their mothers. As little boys, they're pampered and it's that pampering they still crave even as adults.
Should we write this down?
I'm taping it.
Shah.
We talk about the progress we've made as women. While in the workplace, that may be true but in the home we have never had a higher rate of failure. That's because women today want careers and even the women who don't work want autonomy. What the man wants at home is a support system. Men get beaten up out there by their bosses by their competitors, by their colleagues.They have wounds inside and out.
Renee: So? You're seeing two guys at the same time.
What makes you think they're not?
Ally: It's just I kind of told Michael before that I wasn't seeing anybody else.
So what? Dating is not a truthful business.
It isn't?
Of course not. You put on a little extra makeup so he doesn't see what you really look like. You laugh at ech other's jokes even when you know they're not funny. Dating is about presenting the person you think he wants to see. No girl ever lets a guy know who and what she really is. Am I wrong?
No, I suppose you're not.
Start telling the guy the truth on a first date you will never get a second date. I've told some guys... ( Laughs ) "I'm still a virgin." And they believe it, too 'cause they want to. Some guys I've told that I've never even seen a peppermint stick. You ever try that?
That is very funny.
So, everybody knows!
What's up with her?
Excuse me.
What'd I say?
Cindy!
Oh! Oh, excuse me.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
No, thank you.
I'm really not... Everybody doesn't know. But my friend Renee, she had no idea
Obviously, you know.
Yes, but that's because everybody runs to me with their problems because I have a conscience.
Can I talk to you in private? Richard told me...
I don't believe this. He's so unethical.
Exactly. Which is why he can't deal with an ethical problem. Richard fish thinks that moral fiber comes in a breakfast cereal. He was completely ill-equipped to handle this and that's why he came to me.
So, what did you tell him?
That he shouldn't tell mark.
But I think you should.
I didn't ask you what you think, Ms. McBeal. And forgive me but public opinion has never been a big influence in my life.
He's in love with you. Did he tell you that? He didn't have to. We can all see it.
It's not a good sign he's taking you to the same restaurant. It's in his office building.
I think he's trying to show me off.
And what about Jonathan?
Drinks Wednesday night so keep Thursday morning clear. It could go late.
Ally, hello, today is Wednesday.
What?
It has been ever since this morning.
Today is... Oh, god.
You're double-booked. I love it.
I can't cancel a first date.
Yeah, but you can't just blow a guy off a half an hour before dinner, either. You're cooked. I love it.
Wait a minute. There's no reason why I can't do both. Dinner is over by 8:00 and I'm supposed to meet Jonathan at 9:00. It's doable.
But are you doable twice in one night?
It is just dinner and it is just drinks, Elaine. Sorry to put a damper on your vicarious life.
( Gasps ) I'm sorry.
Ally.
Mark. Mark, is everything okay?
Yeah, sure.
No, no, Mark, what's the matter?
Nothing.
Mark.
I think I'm getting dumped.
Why?
Cindy-- she said she wanted to talk about something. It sounded a little ominous. I think I'm toast.
Oh, well, don't-don't jump to conclusions. Just hear what she has to say.
Oh, I can guess what she has to say. She seemed distant at lunch.
Well, there might be circumcisions that you don't know about-- circumstances. Just see-see what the night brings.
This is so beyond bogus.
Shirley, julep it.
If I believed for one second, Walter you could handle it I wouldn't have insisted on coming.
Ms. Grouper, we're in the conference room.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
6:00. Is this when old people usually eat?
I have an 8:00 meeting, thank you. And I was desperate to sandwich you in.
Oh, now that is a sandwich that I would like. ( Chuckles )
God, I'm talking about sex with him now.
Is this our second or third date, officially?
Do lunches count?
Why?
I don't know. Just asking.
Have you lied to me yet?
I can't believe that just came out of my mouth.
I beg your pardon?
People kind of lie a little on early dates... I've been told. Have you?
Actually...Yes.
Your wife isn't really dead.
Oh, no... She is dead.
I can' I'm saying these things. I'm... I'm so sorry. That is... That is so inappropriate. It's just-it's just th-th-the fact that you told me that you lied it threw me in a... Who-what was the lie?
Okay...The truth is...I hate disco. When I first heard it it made me want to vomit and last night I was nauseous.
Oh... Oh...Well, that's-that's okay. So-so you're probably into-into what? Perry Como?
Perry was just a stage with me.
Who is your favorite band?
Oh, never mind.
Why?
You'll just laugh.
No, I won't laugh.
Never mind.
I won't laugh. Tell me.
Okay. Neil diamond.
Uh... Oh... He's-he's-- Neil... He's-he's nice.
No, people forget how fantastic his songs were. When I was in college I was in a band and every time I would plod I would have the room eating out of my hand.
You were in a band?
Mm-hmm. Keyboards.
Ah...
Oh, well, they have a piano here.
Sorry?
Go play me something from Neil diamond.
First of all, I never put down the working woman.
What do I look like, the welfare blob?
I'm all for women of power women of strength women of substance.
What men don't want it and they don't.
Did you not, as a doctor counsel these women to be subordinate? Did you not, as a doctor advise them never to get upset or to do anything to complicate his day?
I counseled them to have dinner on the table to keep the carpet clean, preferably with a lemon scent and should you feel like blowing your top, blow his instead.
Is it sacrificing?
Yes. That's what the course was about-- "sacrifice."
Why? Because that's what men want and if you want somebody to sue, sue society.
Wanda: The moment I became a pushover like you said, he walked out.
Honey, I don't know you personally but even at first blush I am picking up on so many things to dislike. What you need to do is go out and find a fat guy with no teeth, the man with no other choices He is your demographic.
Oh, we will go forward with this lawsuit...Ms. Grouper.
Ooh, more threats from the Pokémon.
If this goes to trial, everything about her becomes relevant including why her husband left her.
My bet would be, he got his eyesight back.
( Gasps ) sue away! I'd love for this to go to a jury. You know why? I'm lovable.
Hey.
Cindy.
Hey.
How are you?
I'm fine.
How are you?
A little freaked actually. On the phone you said...
Yeah.
What's the matter? Tell me.
Actually... Let's just go out and have a really good time tonight.
Cindy...
No, I really want to have a nice dinner, and go out dancing and, um... We can talk later. Please?
Sure.
( "Sweet Caroline" playing )
Ally: I had to admit there about him. Well, I could tell that he lives for the right reason and he loves for the right reason and as I sat there listening the whole world just shrank to the size of the room. There was only one thing that stopped me from walking up to that piano and awry me.
I had another date.
And this guy was great, too. And I'd look at Jonathan, and I would think "wouldn't it be nice to forge through the years figuring out life together?"
And then Michael..."Wow, he's done all the grunt work and can just give me the answers."
Hello.
My roommate. She lives to torture me.
You know this woman?
Like a sister.
Do you think you might send her away?
Oh, yeah I ordered a private performance.
I see that. Nice.
I pull out all the stops.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Cindy... Whatever it is, just tell me.
No, this is just not the time or the place.
Well, it's making me a little crazy. How about a clue?
Hold me close. closer. Surprise.
Mark: So you knew?
She told me in confidence made me promise not to tell you. I tried to give you a hint.
Everything about him... Her... Was so perfect.
You know, these things happen, mark.
What do you mean, "these things happen"? My girlfriend has a penis!
Can I just say one thing? It's not easy finding a person to love in this world, mark and whoever you end up with she won't be perfect. Cindy is beautiful and when people see you with her they're more impressed with you but what I'm trying to say is don't dump her. Use her as bait to attract other beautiful women ones without... Meat whistles. Well, nobody loves a sage.
I still don't know why you have to talk to him.
Because as horrible as this women is she's pretty on target.
And if you insist on going forward...
I do.
Then we have to at least explore your ex-husband's reasons for leaving you.
Jonathan is here.
What?
He just went to the unisex. He brought you these flowers.
Wow.
Wow is right. There's probably three decent guys in this stupid town. You've got two of them and mark's got the other.
Oh, that's real funny, Elaine.
He took it hard.
Ally.
( Gasping and stammering ) Michael... Michael, cha-cha, uh... What-what a surprise.
Well, I was in the neighborhood, and...Actually, I wasn't. That was a lie, too. I just... Came to see you. Nice flowers.
Oh... ( Laughs nervously ) oh, um, oh, yeah. Thanks. Can you excuse me for just one second? ( Whispering ): Just keep Jonathan in the bathroom.
How am I supposed to do that?
Just use your imagination, Elaine. Just keep Jonathan in the bathroom until I get rid of Michael.
Well, um...So...Well, who-what a shock...
Surprise. Would you have dinner again with me tonight?
You-you came here... Just to ask me that?
Oh... Hello. I'm Elaine.
Yes, we just met two seconds ago.
Oh, right. ( Clears throat ) before you go... We are conducting a poll on people's feelings about the unisex and I thought maybe I could ask you a few questions.
Uh, maybe some other time.
Uh...( Grunts )
Your family?
My kids. There's only two of them. It shouldn't be too bad.
I really...
Want you to meet them.
Wow, that's kind of a big deal, Michael, I...
I know.
Get off of me!
Sure, sure, great, great. why don't you call me later and just tell me what time. ( Laughing nervously ) ooh, ah!
Ah. So, I'll see you tonight.
There you go.
So you just, uh...
I'll see you later tonight, uh, tonight. Bye.
( Sighs )
Get off of me!
Elaine, no! Bad girl! Bad! Go to my office! No! ( Clears throat ) she's a guard secretary.
She's crazy.
I know, but I just don't have the heart to fire her.
Well, I didn't mean to interrupt your day. I just came to say that, uh I can't stop thinking about you.
Hmm... Well, you've been in my top two thoughts as well.
Sorry?
It's just a little joke. It's nothing.
God, you are so beautiful. Do you know that?
No...Um...Well, thank you.
Can-can I see you tonight?
Uh, tonight's tough.
Um...Tomorrow?
Great, great.
Um, I'll call.
Okay, bye.
( Inhales and exhales )
You are headed for trouble. Give me one.
And she says it's when she became more submissive that you left her.
It wasn't exactly that.
Can you tell us what it was?
I'm not really comfortable.
Mr. Picket, I know this is difficult but in order for your wife to prevail in this lawsuit we have to show that your sated to this course she took.
I'm a very weak man, Ms. Porter. The truth is I stopped loving Wanda a long time ago but I was afraid to leave her. Mainly, because I was... Afraid of her... A little. Believe it or not, I stayed with her for about six years because I didn't have the guts to confront her to face an unpleasant scene with her. When she became I don't know... Weak herself, on the advice of the doctor I got the nerve to tell her what I really thought. That I didn't want to live with her.
You stayed with this woman six years after you stopped loving her because... You didn't want to face an unpleasant scene with her?
Well, I don't think I truly knew I was doing that but... Yes.
Okay. You can go.
I didn't tell her I never loved her. I'd appreciate you not telling her.
Hmm.
Well, I guess there was... Cause and effect.
Had she not taken this doctor's advice they might still be together.
Oh, right, ling.
We'll just stand in front of a jury and say "you see, he never loved her. Blame the doctor."
Well, what'd he say?
Uh...Uh, Wanda... You might have a case, but it's just too tough to make. We think you should drop it.
After what she did to me? How can I?
Well... You see, the thing is it really encroaches into divorce law and this a no-fault state.
Our legal recommendation is for you to just walk away from this. If we go to court, you'll just get more hurt.
Just let it go, Wanda.
( Sighs ) sorry I ran off. I always do that when a girl seems too happy to see me. Ha, ha.
Look, I am sorry. I could've handled it, maybe, better.
Mark, your reaction was normal, try so if you're here to apologize for that, apology accepted.
I came here for that, but...Do you have plans tonight?
What are you saying?
What I'm saying is... I've been thinking about this all day and as hard as I try...I can't see you...
As anything other than a woman. A woman I want to continue to see.
( Laughs ) I don't know why I feel like crying right now but I do.
We've been encouraging daddy to date. I'm so glad he finally met somebody.
My god, his daughter is older than me. Well, I'm-I'm glad to have met him.
If this works out I could be calling you mom.
Only once... Because I'd kill you.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, Andréa.
Well, daddy, if you're introducing her to us that means it could be serious.
Ah. Here's your brother. Ally, my son, Jonathan.
Hi.
I never got his last name.
Hi.
I've, uh, I think we've met.
Yeah. I, um...I think we have.
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