|
New Line Cinema
September 1, 2004
Monster-in-Law script excerpts
SPOILERS!
Note: These are script snippets from at least two different versions of the script, so not all scenes may end up in the movie as written here and some scenes may be out of order.
Thanks to Minerva.
INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM/PENTHOUSE - NIGHT
Charlie re-enters wheeling a tray of shrimp balls and a bowl of dipping sauce. Besides Fiona, KIT - 30's, a colleague of Kevin's - is telling a story.
KIT
...it was the worst car wreck I'd ever seen. The car "accordian-ed" into the back seat. The driver is trapped back there. We can't get to him until they cut the metal. This one here...
(referring to Kevin)
...in middle of blow torches and metal cutters going, hears the guy gurgling and decides there's something lodged in his throat.
Fascinated, Charlie moves closer to listen, inadvertently preventing guests behind her from taking a shrimp ball.
KIT
He kicks the rest of the rear window, squeezes into the backseat, puts his hand into this bloody mess of a face...
FIONA
Ugh...Kit. No.
KIT
...and pulls out this tiny piece of the dashboard that was blocking the guy's breathing. If we had waited for the rescue team to get through, he would have died of suffocation.
Charlie smiles to herself - wow.
KEVIN
You would have done the same thing if you heard his breathing.
KIT
I could barely hear myself breathing.
FIONA
Isn't he amazing?
CHARLIE
He's a hero.
The guests look to the waitress with surprise. Kevin is immediately smitten and amused. Fiona is not.
FIONA (insulted):
Excuse me?
But Kevin saves it, by inquiring about the food:
KEVIN
What do we have here?
CHARLIE
Uh...
She freezes, looking into Kevin's eyes, smiling at her. Charlie gets completely flummoxed.
CHARLIE
Balls.
Kevin
What?
* * * *
CHARLIE (mesmerized by his looks)
I find that hard to believe.
KEVIN (laughs)
What?
CHARLIE (laughs, embarrassed)
No, I mean uh...I'm Charlie. Charlotte but..Charlie.
KEVIN
Kevin. (smiles)
ANGLE ON FIONA - she watches Kevin and Charlie talk intimately.
INT. PARTY - LATER
Charlie is cleaning up, all the while watching Kevin - who's talking to Kit.
FIONA (O.S.)
These heels are killing me. They must have been invented by a man.
Charlie turns to find Fiona sitting in a chair. She acts politely.
CHARLIE
Can I get you anything?
FIONA (referring to Kevin)
How about one of him on a platter?
Charlie smiles knowingly.
FIONA
He's a great guy. He moved back to be near his mother. She hasn't been well. They don't make them like him that often..God. Talk about penis envy. I wish I had one.
CHARLIE
Excuse me?
FIONA
Oh yeah. He's gay. Isn't that heartbreaking?
Charlie crushed. Fiona motions to Kit.
FIONA
That's Kit, the groom. Or is he the bride? I forgot who's the top and who's the underneath. They're getting married in St. Bart's next Christmas.
Charlie looks like she's been punched in the stomach.
CHARLIE
Excuse me.
We follow Charlie as she exits, quickly gathering glasses:
CHARLIE
Of course he's gay. Why wouldn't he be gay? I'm attracted - he's gotta be gay!
INT. ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL/NURSES STATION. ONE WEEK LATER.
Kit is behind the nurses station watching Kevin as he picks up a phone to dial then hangs up. He walks away. Walks back up - picks up the phone again. Dials a number - hangs up. Starts to walk away when. Exasperated, Kit commands:
KIT
Oh, will you call her already! You're giving me motion sickness.
KEVIN
Feel like I'm in high school again.
KIT
I just nailed a girl I knew in high school, if that makes you feel any better.
KEVIN
I wouldn't go around telling people that.
He listens to a recorded message, then a beep.
INT. ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL/NURSES STATION. ONE WEEK LATER.
Kevin pulls out a few of CHARLIE'S CARDS from his pocket. PICKS up a wall phone then HANGS up. Walks away. Walks back up - PICKS up phone again. DIALS a number - HANGS UP. Stares at the phone. PIcks up to dial again. He listens to a recorded message - then a BEEP.
KEVIN (ON MACHINE) (CONT'D)
Hi Charlie, this is Kevin Fields calling. I don't know if you remember me from the other night, but I...was uh, thinking maybe...maybe you could walk my dog...or maybe you could test my....
(bad idea)
No, bad idea...let's go with the dog walking...Only I don't have a dog so maybe you could walk me. I'm going to hang up now. Please forget everything I said and call me back when you have a minute.
EXT. GRIFFIN PARK - DAY
Charlie and Kevin walks her dogs as they talk.
CHARLIE
Trauma surgery is really intense, isn't it? I can't imagine the things you see in your work. Don't you sometimes have to chop people's limbs off to get them out of car wrecks?
KEVIN
I've always had a good tolerance for blood and gore. If I wasn't a surgeon, I'd make horror movies. And I'm a genius at paper dolls.
EXT. COFFEE BEAN AND TEA LEAF. DAY.
At an outside table, Charlie sips a lattee across from Kevin.
KEVIN
It's amazing.
CHARLIE
Which part? The I'm-utterly-confused-with-my-life part or the I've-quit-law-school-and-everyone-thinks-I'm-crazy part?
KEVIN
Do yo know how rare it is when you get a chance to rethink the big picture? Most people are unhappily stuck in their jobs their entire lives and never realize it.
(then)
Besides, you love what you're doing now.
CHARLIE
I do?
KEVIN
You love animals, you love being outside, and you love your freedom.
CHARLIE
How do you know that?
KEVIN
Your bumper sticker reads, 'My other car is a dog,' you leave your sun roof open, and you don't wear a watch.
Charlie looks at him suspiciously - can't figure him out.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
I should get going.
KEVIN
Can I see you again?
CHARLIE
Kevin, you seem like a really nice guy but...I already have a lot of friends.
KEVIN
Maybe I don't want to be friends.
CHARLIE (pointed)
I'm a woman.
KEVIN
Is that a problem?
CHARLIE
Have you ever been with a woman?
He spits out his coffee.
KEVIN
Excuse me?!
CHARLIE
Have you ever been with a woman or have you always been with men?
KEVIN
I'm not gay. Who said I was gay?
CHARLIE
Well...that lady at the party.
KEVIN
I like women. Lots of women. I mean, not lots...but you know.
(then)
How about you let me buy you a lobster dinner Friday night.
CHARLIE
I don't know. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now.
KEVIN
If you're not looking then what the hell are you doing here - with a supposed gay man?
CHARLIE
I'm allergic to shellfish.
KEVIN
Then steak. You allergic to steak?
Charlie considers him.
KEVIN (CONT'D)
I'll make you a deal. Stay and finish your four dollar latte and then if you don't want to ever see me again, fine.
CHARLIE
Give me one good reason.
KEVIN
I'm different.
Really? She CLOSES her eyes.
CHARLIE
Fine. What color are my eyes?
(when he can't answer...)
That's what I thought, Mr. Different.
She starts to walk away, HER BACK TO HIM.
KEVIN O.S.
At first glance I'd say brown. But that's wrong because when the light hits them they change to amber. And if you look closely, on the fringe of the iris is the color is pure honey. And sometimes when you turn just so, I can even detect a hint of green. That's my favorite.
A smile begins to form on her lips and slowly grows...
INT. VIOLA'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Charlie is looking over all the pictures of the famous people Viola interviewed.
Kevin is reacquainting himself to Viola's staff; RUBY, the cook and housekeeper...HAROLD, the handyman, groundskeeper and driver.
RUBY
So good to see you, Mr. Kevin.
KEVIN
Hey Ruby..Harold, how are you?
HAROLD
Very well. Building a new hot house for your mother's flowers.
RUBY
Mr. Kevin, Come here.
She pulls Kevin aside to tell him in private, quietly:
RUBY
I just want you to know that when your mother hired us back, the first thing she made me do was throw out every bottle of liquor and every prescription pill in the house.
KEVIN (grateful)
Thank you, Ruby.
RUBY
And the wine is in a locked cabinet and I've got the only key. She's in great shape.
KEVIN (he kisses her)
Can I introduce you?
(leads her to Charlie)
Ruby, Harold..this is Charlie.
CHARLIE
Hi.
RUBY
Lovely to meet you. I hope your hungry. I have lunch all prepared. Right out back, dear. Harold, tell Ms. Fields.
KEVIN
Thanks.
CHARLIE
Everybody's so nice.
They step outside.
EXT. VIOLA'S HOUSE - THE BACK PROPERTY - DAY
It's a stunning view - land, ocean, sun...breathtaking.
CHARLIE
My God..You grew up here?
KEVIN
No, I was in college when Mom got this. She was living with her fourth husband at the time. But it didn't look like this. When she renovated, she had him removed. Orange juice?
VIOLA (O.S.)
Kevin!
They turn to discover:
VIOLA, looking dazzling, in a beautiful dress, revealing but tasteful, showing her incredible figure. Her face is made up perfectly, a few appropriate jewels..
[...]
CHARLIE
Well, I never thought about marriage..ever...but, I never had anyone like Kevin in my life before.
Kevin's beeper goes off.
KEVIN
It's the hospital. I'll be right back.
He kisses Charlie and exits. Viola and Charlie are alone.
CHARLIE
You know, this is as sudden for me as it is for you.
VIOLA
Too sudden, right? You need more time?
CHARLIE
I thought I would..but the weird thing is I don't. It feels totally right. I'm amazed, actually.
VIOLA
RUBY!
Charlie is startled, slightly. Ruby appears.
VIOLA
Ruby I'd like to get a bottle of champagne to celebrate. Can I have the key to the wine cabinet?
RUBY (sternly)
I'll get it.
VIOLA
Just give me the key.
RUBY
I said I'll get it!
Ruby is tough and Viola backs off...for the moment.
VIOLA
She's such a dear, Ruby. Worked for the Israel army.
CHARLIE
A soldier?
VIOLA
Assassin. She can shoot a fly off a horse's ass.
CHARLIE (uncomfortable)
I bet that comes in handy.
Kevin re-enters.
KEVIN
I'm sorry, girls, I've gotta go. Charlie you ready. (kisses Mom) Mom..I'll call you later. Are you freaked out?
VIOLA
No. Are you crazy? I'm thrilled.
CHARLIE
Thank you Viola..for everything.
VIOLA
You're very welcome.
Charlie kisses Viola's cheek..Kevin leads Charlie out.
VIOLA
Bye...call me.
EXT. LAW STREETS - DAY
Kevin and Charlie are driving. Charlie seems pre-occupied.
KEVIN
So, fiance, how does it feel?
CHARLIE
You think your mother's OK with this?
KEVIN
Absolutely. Why?
CHARLIE
I don't know.
Charlie turns her head and sees a CAR along side them:
CHARLIE'S FANTASY:
RUBY IS IN THE CAR WHILE VIOLA DRIVES. RUBY SPOTS CHARLIE. SHE RAISES A HIGH POWERED RIFLE AND SHOOTS.
END FANTASY:
CHARLIE
AAAHH!
KEVIN
WHAT'S WRONG?
Charlie realizes she screamed at the fantasy.
CHARLIE
Nothing, honey.
EXT. MONTICIEDO ESTATE - NIGHT
Establishing shot of a magnificent estate and grounds. Light at night, it looks like a palace.
EXT. ROAD TO ESTATE - CONTINUOUS
Charlie and Kevin are driving up to the intimidating estate. Charlie is nervous. They are casually dressed in cocktail party attire.
CHARLIE
Honey, you are sure about this?
KEVIN
Oh, you're going to love it. We spent a lot of great summers here. Mom just wants everyone to meet you. After the party tonight, we have the whole weekend to play - there's tennis, golf, swimming. We have two pools, indoor and outdoor.
CHARLIE (nervous)
Shucks, I forgot my diamond ear plugs.
He laughs as soon the car pulls up to the enormous driveway:
VOICES (O.S.)
KEVIN!
INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
Kevin, alone in the library, is mixing cocktails.
FIONA (O.S.)
Hey.
He turns to discover Fiona, stunning and sexy in a designer gown, standing in the doorway.
KEVIN
Wow. Did you have that gown folded in a suitcase?
FIONA
How nice of you to notice. (giggles) Are you making one for me...or is this a private party?
KEVIN
Didn't you say that on ONE LIFE TO LIVE?
Fiona laughs at his joke and she enters, closing the door behind her.
FIONA
We haven't had a second alone since I got here. (she sits on the sofa) Come here. Talk to me.
Kevin, knowing is harmless, obliges with a cocktail for her.
FIONA
Thank you. Your girl is lovely Kevin. You should bring her over for a drink sometime.
KEVIN
Now you're quoting THE WAY WE WERE. This is going to get ugly.
FIONA (laughs)
We saw it together. Remember?
Fiona laughs, clicks his glass and drinks. Kevin is amused.
INT. LIBRARY - SOON AFTER.
Fiona is getting cozier. Kevin is allowing it, confident he has no attraction for her.
FIONA
You know, I would have waited for you to get through med school.
KEVIN
No, you wouldn't have.
FIONA
We had a very strong bond.
KEVIN
We had great sex.
FIONA
I had very deep feelings for you.
KEVIN
You had very deep feelings for you.
FIONA
Kevin!
He smiles. Fiona smiles. She drops her pretense with him.
FIONA
You never did think I was a good actress, did you? I always thought you were secretly laughing at me.
KEVIN
I think you're adorable.
FIONA
Ouch. (beat, genuine) Do you love this girl?
KEVIN
My God, yes.
Fiona looks in his eyes...and sees it's the truth.
FIONA
Well that wasn't acting. I can tell.
She seems genuinely pleased for him. Kevin smiles. She leans over to give him a friendly kiss when the door opens:
FIONA
Congratulations.
CHARLIE (O.S.)
Hi.
Kevin and Fiona turn to see:
CHARLIE, LOOKING AMAZING, IN HER HANDMADE GOWN OF CURTAINS, HER OWN ACCESSORIES AND SOME VERY FAST CUTTING, STITCHING AND STAPLING.
KEVIN
WOW. You look amazing.
FIONA
Is that a Badgley Mishka?
CHARLIE (without a beat)
Yes.
As the dialogue continues, Viola enters the scene and sees Charlie from behind. She can't believe her eyes.
KEVIN (O.S.)
Fiona was just congratulating me.
CHARLIE (O.S.)
I saw. I'm sorry I interrupted.
FIONA (O.S.)
Now, now...don't be silly.
INT/EXT. CHARLIE AND KEVIN'S MONTECIEDO ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Charlie runs into the bedroom and closes the door, locking it. Kevin runs behind and knocks on the bedroom door.
We cut back and forth between the two:
KEVIN
Honey, open the door.
CHARLIE (breaking down)
I can't do this. It's too hard.
KEVIN
What? What's too hard?
CHARLIE (crying now)
I don't belong here. I knew it was too good. I want to go home.
KEVIN
Charlie, I mean it. Open the door.
CHARLIE
No. Please. Just..leave me alone.
Kevin hears her crying. It breaks his heart. His tone is tender.
KEVIN
Baby, don't cry. Please let me in.
CHARLIE
I can't. I don't want you to see me like this.
KEVIN
Why not? We're going to be spending our whole lives together. There's not too much we're not going to see.
CHARLIE
I was so stupid. Thinking about signs. Just because I see you a few times, I think it means we're destined for each other.
KEVIN
I'm in love with you. That's what it means.
CHARLIE
Go away. Please.
KEVIN
I can't. I'm a doctor. I have to make sure you're all right. Please. Open the door.
Beat. Charlie sniffles her tears. She puts her hand on the doorknob just as:
Kevin puts his hand on the door on the other side.
But they both hesitate. Then, from opposite sides of the closed door:
CHARLIE
I just had the most intense deja vu.
KEVIN
That's weird. So did I.
CHARLIE
Really?
KEVIN
Yeah. I was at this Mexican restaurant once and this poor girl-
As he continues talking, we angle on Charlie registering his story:
KEVIN (O.S.)
--had a tray of food fall on her. She ran into the bathroom and I tried to get her to come out but she wouldn't open the door...
Charlie opens the door.
CHARLIE
THAT WAS YOU!?
KEVIN (realizing)
That was you!?
Charlie, in rage and tear-stained, smiles.
CHARLIE
That was so sweet of you.
KEVIN
See, honey...I wanted to take care of you before I even knew you. If that's not a Burning Bush, I don't know what is.
Charlie moves into his arms. They embrace and kiss.
© New Line Cinema 2004
 Back To Monster-in-Law Expositions
|
|
