After Six

Episode Number: 3.13

Original Air Date: Feb. 15, 2004

Written By: The writer asks, out of shame, to remain nameless.

Last time on Alias: Vaughn's still in love with Sydney. That's all you need to know.

I guess now that Lamphead's evil, no one wonders where she is and she doesn't need to bother herself with those pesky office meetings. I'm not complaining; no screen time for the Bovine Wonder is just fine with me. Dixon is back to drinking in the office while Vaughn is just there to look pretty. Honestly, is he even getting paid to be on the show anymore?

Jack visits Sloane, who's still bitter about Jack almost killing him. He throws Jack one of those ominous and creepy 'what a man will do for his daughter' comments that makes my skin crawl. Sloane is lonely. It's hard to be a mass-murdering sociopath these days. It's hard to find a quality date.

Syd is talking to Barnett, whose new haircut is kind of freaking me out a little. It's like it has a life of it's own. Syd tells her about kissing Vaughn. Que the weepy music. You know, I'm getting Dawson's Creek flashbacks watching all this sappiness. Sydney is reminding me more and more of Joey and that's soooo not a good thing. The sappy-assed music doesn't help.

Okay, the writers are on crystal meth. They've got Weiss and Vaughn in a bar and WEISS is the one playing pool. What. The. Fuck? Freaking monkeys. You know, it's bad enough he's sitting there talking about how much he loves two women ::cough:: bullshit ::cough:: and now we've got to deal with him just sitting at the bar! It's just not fair. It makes me...

Wait...no...no...NOOOOOOOoooooo. God damn it! NO! You can't just spring naked Cow on me like that. What did I ever do to you??!! No... no more! Please. I'll be good, I swear! She looks like a freaking bobblehead! See, if there was a just and loving God, he wouldn't allow this to happen. ::Kate rocks back and forth:: It's not real. It's not happening. It will all be okay. I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl.

"I must say, you're quite an impressive actress," Sark says. Um, not really. You're just a dumbass. Oh, by-the-way, we know Lupe is really evil now because of the Veronica Lake hair-don't. "Which color do you think my husband would prefer?" Cow asks, holding up a red dress. Personally, I think he should just shoot himself in his beautiful face now and get it over with.

Syd's eating a pretty rank looking microwave dinner and she looks as depressed about it as I feel looking at it. I guess she can't afford decent food. Does she ever get paid, btw? Hmm. Anyway, Jack interrupts at the perfect moment (can I just say looking hotter than I've ever seen him, in black leather jacket and black fitted turtleneck. Um, did you hear that? That would be my heart falling into my stomach) with a bag of take-out. Aww. They talk about the upcoming mission... I have no idea. Something about visiting Vivica A. Fox in a club somewhere. She's some sort of uber-genius security specialist and they need to find out how to get into one of her secure buildings. That's all I got.

OMG! It really has turned into a soap opera. Lucifer visits Ian Buchanan, who's pretty much been on every soap opera known to man. She begins seducing him, then kills him. Ouch. Oh, ewwwwwwww they're snogging. God damn this episode sucks! What a dumbass. He deserved to die. Sark is all, "I love you." Suddenly, I hear Mickey and Sylvia's, "Baaaaaby, ooh ohh, baaaaby. My sweet baaaaby. You're the one," in my head. Love Is Strange. That's the name of it. Nothing like a little homicide to get your jollies off. I can't wait to see what Francinator has to say about this. Whatever. As long as she isn't with Vaughn. Let get a move on with that, btw.

What the hell happened to Sark? He used to be this young hotshot that you were actually afraid of. He killed the head of K-Directorate for God's sake! Now he's a lap dog. Now he's a bitch. So sad. Rest in peace, Sark.

Syd asks Dixon, who's bellydancing in a hula skirt, to work with Weiss rather than Vaughn. Dixon puts down his bottle of Peach Schnapps and says, "Did you say something?" and then throws up on himself. So Weiss and Syd set off on the mission.

On this episode of When Pimps Attack, Weissbooty and Bottom-Bitch Syd enter the club. Must every costume this season be out of Carson Kressley's closet? Grr. They see Vivica and offer her diamonds for the job. They are a girl's best friend, but apparently not good enough for Vivica. So Syd cuts to the chase and hands over her CIA badge, which looks like it's from 1969. Damn, you'd think the CIA would have a budget enough for decent badges.

Carrie and Marshall are going over the op-tech. Carrie is very, very pregnant and about to burst. Marshall as a daddy = still cute.

Okay, so Sloane is a junkie now? Say it isn't so! We must band together and help our fellow Vartan Ho. Intervention, people! He's shooting up like a common street whore. Except it's all green and gooey and obviously some sort of alien DNA or something.

Jack is reading some online fanfic - cause most of it is better than the actual plot of the show these days - when Sloane calls. Sloane tells Jack he's ready to see the shrink with the creepy hair. Their meeting is too boring for me to recap.

Air UST. Could these characters get anymore boring? I swear, I'm so tired of Vaughn and Sydney's little looks back and forth. I want to stab myself in the eyes. They have a little chat about Sydney being "the other woman" which is pretty much the dumbest speech I've ever heard. So I've decided to join Dixon in drunken hula dancing. It's much more interesting. We're roasting a pig and talking bad about JJ Abrams. He's getting out all of his frustration and talking about how he misses his days playing M.A.N.T.I.S. We made a bonfire out of season 3 scripts and danced around it. Ahh, good times.

As she talks to Vaughn on the phone, the beast that cannot be stopped watches Sark prove his manliness by strangling some guy. You know, I'm just so happy she's evil and, hopefully, Vaughn will turn out to be undercover and not such a wuss that I'm almost willing to forgive dumb scenes like this. Vaughn will come out of this whole thing being a genius who knew her game all along and was using her to find out more about the Covenant or something. Wouldn't that be nice?? What are the chances JJ and Co. are that smart? Anyway, Sark and Lupe exchange stomach-churning stares. The couple that kills together...

Syd and Vaughn break into the super secure place while Marshall deals with Carrie going into labor. Hehehe, poor Marshall. Talk about multitasking. Marshall gets Weiss ordained by the online Church of Mammals and marries them while Marshall tries to keep the mission on track. Vaughn and Syd get through the insane maze of dumb security measures. They make it out alive, thanks to Jack.

Commercial break. Viggo Mortenson as Hildago. Mmm, yummy. Although, Viggo Mortenson as a mime would be fine with me, really.

Sloane meets with Dr. Creepy-Hair once again. There's all kinds of tension. Well, not really. But that's what we're supposed to be brainwashed into thinking.

Lauren and Sark have a snog while I have a TUMS.

McKenas Cole is back. Is it me or is QT looking a little Wacko-Jacko? He mentions how cool Sark's hair is now. Finally, a man that knows what's important. Why did the CIA cut Sark's hair? Were they worried he had lice or something?

This episode should be called "Promotion for Kill Bill 2." It's like they're trying to distract us from the complete nonsense that's going on. 'Move along, people. Nothing to see over here. Kill Bill 2 in theaters soon!'

I actually don't mind the Kill Bill promotion. It's one of my all-time favorite movies. But once in a while it would just be nice to watch Alias. Haven't seen it in a while. Instead, i've been watching this other show with more flashy guest stars than cast members. I've been watching this show with lots of bangs and explosions that make no sense. I've also been watching this show with lots of alcohol, so what do I know? But I miss Alias. Remember that show? That was pretty cool. Wonder what happened to it?

So, what was I saying? Oh Lulu betrayed Sark, big shock. He's turned on that much more. Now Sark and Labrat are partners. Why the hell is Lupe a double agent? Why did she need to get close to Vaughn? She's already part of the DSR, there would be no need for it. I guess this is just one of those logic things we're supposed to ignore.

QT warns Luella about Syd and Vaughn getting closer. So Lupe then goes into the office -- where she's been absent but no one seems to care or notice. Which is understandable, really -- and threatens Syd. Syd's like, "Haven't we done this before? Do I have to give you the smackdown once again?" Lupe just leaves to go graze in the field.

I think that music was completely inappropriate for the end scene. it was more overdramatic than the scene.

Finally, in the previews for next week, Sloane makes a confession. You know, it would be much more believable if it wasn't a thought we've all had over the passed 2 years. Gee, I wonder if, since Sloane may be her father, Jack and Sydney will hook up? That sounds like the type of thing JJ would cook up. But no, I'm guessing it will drag on all season only to find out in the end that Jack is still Syd's father. Cause, you know, that would be so interesting. ::sarcasm bunny::

And that, my friends, in the end of the world.