Blowback

Episode Number: 3.14

Original Air Date: March 07, 2004

Written By: 2 very disturbed people

Last time on Alias: Vaughn's still in love with Sydney. That's all you need to know.

Int. Office, ABC.
J.J. Abrams: Okay people, settle down! I don't have much time to talk. I have to hurry back to my Superman script before Barry Meyer from Warner Bros. shoves a red cape up my ass.

The show seriously sucks monkey ass this year. We're talking big, red, smelly, hairy monkey ass, folks. So as a last ditch effort, I've made a contact down on Hollywood Boulevard who set me up with all this here marijuana.

[J.J. dumps marijuana out of bookbag and onto table while writers watch in shock]

We need a Hail Mary pass here, people! So I want you to smoke all of this pot, and do I mean all of it, and then come back to me with some great ideas. Go team!!

And so "Blowback" was created. At least, that's the only thing I could come up with to try to explain this freakin' act of the unholy.

Anyway, I got the short straw, so I've been chosen to finish out an Alias section on this site. It's my only hope that they shoot Vaughn now, like an old horse that's lived past his prime, rather than continue with the castration that we all know is coming and continuing... and continuing.

MV in a black T-Shirt=Yummy.

Marshall gushing over Mitchell=Cute

Plot of the week: some sort of bomb thing they have to stop. That's all I got. Dixon's got his hula skirt on and looking at me with a gleam in his eye. We had a good time last month. That bonfire rocked. Jack looks like he's wearing lipstick in the debriefing. It's frightening. Seriously, go look at it again. It's like mauve lipstick. Imagine if Jack was doubling as a drag queen or something?

Sloane is back looking scary as ever. He's also asking out Miss Scary Hair. "You shouldn't dine alone. That would be criminal," he tells her. Yeah well, you know what else is criminal? That outfit. Holy crap, Batman. He's back to wearing those yellow-rimmed glasses that I specifically told him to stop wearing. Dammit, Sloane, you look like a 'tard! Between his dumb-assed "I think I'm someone's daddy" lines and the lack of proper Lulu prodding, he's quickly losing his Ho status.

What. The. Fuck? Um, what the hell is Sydney wearing? Some sort of school-girl/freakshow outfit from hell. I just don't even want to discuss it. Thank god I'm drinking.

Some sort of overdramatic car chase ensues. Completely uninteresting. The C.I.A. is finally starting to catch on that there may be a mole in the department. Gee, ya think, you dumb-asses? Anyway, they're beginning to question folks. Weiss already suspects Lulu, I think. I always knew my teddy bear was a smart boy.

Sydney tells Vaughn that she remembers it was the anniversary of his father's death. Aww.

OH MY GOD. Scary Hair walks in...well, actually, her boobs walk in like an hour before she does, and she's wearing this dress that says, "Take me, I'm yours, you maniacal genius you!" She's also wearing more eye make-up than should ever be allowed and she's wearing the same color lipstick as Jack. She and Sloane have a fight about revealing too much information. Is it me or is she giving out evil vibes? Maybe it's just the hair.

This episode is dragging like an anchor. Lets go, people. I'm starting to sober up here.

Vaughn and Syd enter a boat looking for something. I have no idea what, but they start shooting people. Vaughn is shot. Hey, they're taking my advice! Let us remember Vaughn- not as the whipping boy bitch he's become, but as the man that smacked Sark's head onto the table; As the man that grabbed Sydney's arm and kissed her in the kitchen; As the man, the real man, that kicked ass all through seasons 1 and 2.

Ironically, as the show comes back and Lupè is on screen, ABC is promoting Judas. ::Snicker::

Now we get to watch this boring-assed episode from Lulu's point of view. Cause, you know, it was so fun the first time around.

Trying to look evil but just looks dumb Evil!Stares by Lupè count: 13

On this episode of Straight Plan for the Gay Man, Sark walks through a park talking to Lamphead on his cell as he wears an outfit that could be kind of Carson Kressley, could be kind of Charles Bronson. I haven't decided. But the walk is definitely Carson Kressley. We're talking Showboat here, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh look, it's the dog and pony show. Dog and Pony, I mean, Sark and Lupè, are trying not to be seen by Vaughn and Sydney while they do their own thing in the building trying to foil the CIA. Why do people suddenly walk differently when they're evil? As soon as Licehead is with Sark, she's like Jessica Rabbit. A bad version. Really bad. And she's still trying to be Sydney, with the red wig. No, hunny, it still won't fool your husband.

I have to admit, the car chase was much more fun to watch with the kick ass song the second time around. And for a minute, I was actually enjoying the show again. I like the on-the-run Lupè. I know! ("Kate actually said she liked Lupè! It's got to be the alcohol." "I heard she's on the crank." "Riding the white pony...it'll get 'em every time. Such a shame.") But have no fear; my disgust and vile hatred returned with a vengeance not but a moment later when they had to go and ruin it with the naked, yucky, traumatizing event that shall not be named. What is up with having to see this woman's bra in every fucking episode?? And does she not ever wash? It's always the same one. Now why'd they have to go and do that??? Oh yes: to remind me why I started to hate this show.

By-the-way - I still have no idea what the hell this episode is about. Carl and I have been busy dancing around the bonfire so it's hard to keep up.

So Sloane is delusional and thinks he may be Sydney's father. He's not. I'm telling you now he's not. Read my... html, he's not. Even though I have no doubt in the absolute stupidity and audacity of the writers and producers... this is just one of those mind-fucks that we're just supposed to buy into until the finale. Jack is and will always be Sydney's father. If for some boneheaded, assholian (it's a word) reason out of left field Jack turns out to NOT be Sydney's father... Troll and Flame. That's all I can say. The offices of ABC better just look out. There are severely disturbed people on the internet and I'll find every one of them. They will do my bidding.

Somewhere there's a farm where old cheerleaders go to die. Then they're trained how to fire a gun twenty times and miss every shot. Lightbulb is just such a cheerleader. Oh Vaughn's fine, by-the-way. I was actually hoping they'd just let him go in peace, while he still has some semblance of a testicle. But noooo.

He has his gun trained on a masked Lupè. "Take off the mask!" he screams.

Should we even bother wondering why they're dragging this out with the overdramatic music? We know they aren't going to reveal her this soon. Oy.

At the commercial, Dixon's sprawled out on the sand with his hula skirt parting in a very indecent way and an empty bottle of JD in his hand. He's mumbling something about, "Thank God Justice League was renewed..."

Sark catches up to them just in time. "If you love her you will put the gun down now." Sark says...Vaughn, of course, drops the gun. Lulu starts kicking Vaughn's ass. Syd gets away. Sark gets the bomb (I guess there was some sort of bomb in this episode).

Lots more aiming and missing ensues when Syd goes after Lulu.

Tip for CIA agents chasing people carrying bombs: Don't chase people carrying bombs, you idiot!!!

Vaughn meets Judas in a bar. He needed to get drunk before seeing her. He even points out the brand of beer that gets him as wasted as possible before going home to see her every night.

Jack's done with his Drag Queen undercover job as JacQueen, so he's back at the office. OMG, I seriously think my nightmare is coming true: last week I predicted that once Sloane made his "announcement" about Syd, Jack and Syd would hook up. He's looking at her all funky. And there's this slow song in the background. And he's inviting her for dinner in this playful- but kind of creepy- way. And he's still wearing lipstick.

Shoot. Me. Now.